Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Two and Half Men and Berta too! Week 1 2012

Barkley in the Middel
Square Freaking!

Spartan Stadium
Nepher Nate at the Tailgate!

The three stooges

It is good that the natural order of things is back where they belong with Saturdays once again having meaning in my myopic existence. The Tailgate went large to start the season with a double header in the Mitten State. Thursday we set up camp in Mt. Pleasant, Michigan for the Central Michigan University Chippewa’s home opener against Southeast Missouri State. I was joined by my siblings Brian and Eileen, both veterans of the Tailgate. CMU is a beautiful campus that afforded us the opportunity to set up shop in the main parking lot 50 steps from the front gate of Kelly Shorts Stadium. We feasted on Sis’s famous beer soaked Wisconsin brats, cheesy potatoes, deviled eggs and Mongo’s baked beans (Think Blazing Saddles) and of course a bevy of Miller 64. We were interviewed by the school newspaper, asked by an Occupy (OWS) protester pollster to stir up the pot with social concerns, and most entertained by the college kids partying in the adjacent lot. Two upper classmen came over to show off their newly acquired business negotiating skills and bartered 2 of their higher octane beers for 2 of Sis’s brats and a deviled egg. Van Wilder, a self proclaimed 6th year junior approached us looking like Moses on his 40th day in the desert complaining of dehydration. When asked why he was dehydrated he admitted that his tailgate had begun when Matt Lauer was hosting some TV Show earlier that day. We hydrated him with some of Bobby Bouche’s pure H2O and sent him back out to finish his decade long college matriculation! But, mostly we watched student after student being harassed by the campus storm troopers or SS or some form of jack booted thugs busting these kids for being minors in possession (MIP). More on this later. The chillin chips took down SEMSU with a convincing second half to put the game away. Nice little stadium that seats about 30+ thousand. It was maybe a third full for the game.

Day 2, the Tailgate traveled sixty miles west to the town of East Lansing to prepare for the much ballyhooed battle between Boise State and Michigan State. We picked up my nephew Nate of State, a Freshman Spartan himself. As the dynamics of our foursome progressed throughout our roof top Tailgate, it became clear that we were the cast of the original Two and Half Men and Berta too! After setting up our gear and firing up the grill and laying everything out, I reached into the cooler for a nice cool one. Only problem is that there were no cool ones to wrap my mitts around. Seems to be that Berta (clearly not to point fingers here) forgot to restock the cooler with the most important Tailgate ingredient of all, 12 ounce silver silos! No worries, Charlie and Jake hiked three miles on foot in the 95 degree heat and returned an hour later with a twelve pack in hand. Game on again! Berta and Alan grilled up some Eagan chicken breasts and cheesy broccoli salad and assortment of other goodies. We invented a new remix dance combining the techniques of the dosey doe and the more modern steps of hip hop, now aptly called Square Freaking (See pics). I will say that all of the MSU tailgaters and fans I met throughout the night were very classy and gracious hosts. The stadium was great for viewing but a bear to find your seats as I misnavigated (I learned that word from the book of Clemens) and hiked up to the top of one side of the stadium only to learn we were on the opposite side of the stadium with no connecting concourse! Although the score of the game ended with MSU besting Boise 17 -13, the game was clearly dominated by MSU statistically. This is a very young and inexperienced Boise team that is a mere shadow of the team they were the last three years. They were led by Danville’s own Joe Southwick who had giant shoes to fill of the now Detroit Lion Kellen Moore. The offense could never really get anything going and failed to score an offensive touchdown for the first time since the American Revolution. Nonetheless, the atmosphere and aura of the night represented all that is good with College Football.

Saturday had me back at Tailgate world headquarters doing the remote control cardio workout. So let’s go around the country and see what happened during the first 5 days of Christmas: Before making it home, I caught most of the Notre Dame Navy game from Dublin, Ireland while I was stranded at O’Hare making my way back home. I proceeded to do an Irish Jig at gate C 12 after each Irish score. After delivering a rousing speech at the Republican National Convention in Tampa midweek, Governor Chris Christie AKA Brady Hoke then led his Michigan Wolverines into Birmingham to take on the defending National Champions. The most anticipated game of the week was over in the first quarter. Simply put, the Tide rolled. They might be better than last year’s team if that’s possible. Jim Mora junior, just like his Dad is not yet ready to talk about playoffs (okay I will refrain from saying it this year) after UCLA ate up Rice in the new Mora era. USC and Matt Barkley surfed all over the Warriors from Hawaii showing the country that they are for real this year. Yes I know you are thinking, why am I not ripping SC like usual and saying something cheap like “ Beating Hawaii is like Germany invading Belgium”. No, I am better than that and will not resort to taking shots at SC this year and the son and his demented Dad who coach them. Cal, not a good way to ring in your new crib getting embarrassed by the Wolf Pack from Nevada. Coach Tedford, my advice to you is you should scout out your seat in the new coliseum for next year’s games. Stanford, have you run out of Luck this year, almost losing to San Jose State at home? Oklahoma, you were almost detained at the Border in El Paso. Stop listening to Stoops’s brother for crying out loud! And what’s up with the OK State Cowboys steamrolling Savannah State like Sherman marching to the sea?

Cat on Cat crimes were out of control this weekend with the Cougs of” Bringem Young & Playem Old” telling the old Pirate Mike Leach to stay on his own ship in the Palouse of Wazoo with his Cougs, and Taj Boyd and the purring Dabos of Clemson clawing it out in the Chick Fil A classic against the felines of Scamnewtonville, AL all for a piece of chicken?. That may have been the best matchup of the weekend. And the biggest cat fight upset of all was the Tyler Tettleton Ohio Bobcats scratching out a win in the not so Happy Valley of the Paternoless Penn State Kitties.

Welcome back to Coach Myers and his urban renewal project in Columbus, OH with a statement win over Miami of Ohio. Taylor Martinez and the Huskers shucked their way to a silky smooth win over the tough Southern Mississippi Fighting Favres. Montee Ball and the Badgers struggled mightily in a win over 1 AA Northern Iowa. The U of Myhammy Hurricanes blew down the birds from BC in a competitive match in Chestnut Hill. The purple people eaters from Northwestern squeezed out a nail biter 42 – 41 against the Orange in the Carrier Dome. In the battle of the great state of Colorado, the Buffs got rammed by Colorado State. And finally, the Monday night match up turned into one of the week’s best games with VT BTing GT in OT!

Heisman Watch – week 1 – front runner performance of the week goes to Matt Barkley, USC. I am pretty sure Matt Barkley is Pete Carroll’s son. We have now located crackle and Pop, if we could only find snap then we would be all set.

Gripe of the week – this one was easy, abuse of power by jack booted thugs AKA Campus Cops. At the CMU tailgate we watched student after student getting busted for being underage and drinking at their rally. These “Wannabe Feds” took great pride in making these well behaved kids miserable even bringing several of them to tears! Clearly these baton wielding bullies were getting back at society for not getting into college in the first place or perhaps they were always on the outside of the social circles and were never invited to these kind of soirees’. They were clearly in control, and dammit they were going to make sure those kids knew it. And to think, those cops are back in their parents basement during the week playing X Box, eating Lucky Charms and experimenting with cannabis.

Miscellaneous – Hey, I need advertisers, let me know if your company or business is interested. I will cut you a real special deal! Special shout out to my buddy G Money, our #1 USC Tailgater fan who’s mother passed away this past week. Prayers are with you Money!

Happy Tailgating!

We are going to Roll the Tide!
Two and Half Men and Berta too!

Red Solo Cup!
MMM! Mongo like beans.