Sunday, November 3, 2013

Week 10 - Gone To The Chapel...

For the second week in a row the Tailgate was grounded. My credibility wanes, my readers weep. This writer was stuffed into a suit and given instructions to attend a wedding of a relative on Saturday afternoon. I was in the middle of the Michigan State – Michigan game when I was forced against my will to vacate the captain’s chair. 

You can't make me leave!
 Who schedules a wedding on a Saturday during football season I ask? No need to worry. I caught plenty of action throughout the weekend. Instead of humming fight songs, this little diddy was in my head all weekend:

Thursday night meant trick or treating for most, it was Halloween Heaven for me. With five games on the telly, and my definition of spirits awaiting, I needed a reason to be home in the captain’s chair. “Honey, I twisted my ankle, you will have to take the little tailgaters trick or treating.” Other than ASU pounding Wazoo, none of the games were too memorable, but my motto is there is no such thing as a bad college football game. Friday night, ankle miraculously healed I went to our local high school game to witness them being sacrificed to the mighty De LaSalle juggernaut.  Upon returning home, flipping on the DVR we witnessed the resurgence of the Ogre led USC Trojans pull out a convincing win in Corvallis against the team in some seriously ugly uniforms.
Coach Ogre, Fight on!
Saturday morning, ESPN College Gameday was in Tallahassee for the marquee matchup of the day between the Noles and the Canes.  Coach Corso donned his ancient FSU jersey when he was a playa there way back in the day to correctly choose the winner of the big game. Famous Jameis and the boyz took care of bidness and ran away with the game in the second half. There was no need for a game ending field goal attempt as in years past of this rivalry that would sail wide right. FSU may be the most complete team in the nation at this point. Staying in the ACC, there was a bird fight of sorts at the Heights in Chestnut Hill, MA: The BC Eagles swooped down on the lifeless Hokies and clawed their way to a solid W. Clemson climbs off the pitty potty and spanks the Wahoos in Charlottesville and Georgia Tech rambles and wrecks the Pitt Panthers dreams of a win.

Corso showing his Tomahawk moves!
 Ohio State spanked another lesser opponent in Purdon’t, but they did it in a fashion that will get voter’s attention: 56 - 0. The non - weed toking Pellini brother pulls out a magic trick for the Huskers with a Hail Mary TD as time expired against the depleted Northwestern squad. Rumors of Bo joining weed happy brother Carl in the unemployment line have been mildly exaggerated at this time.  In East Lansing in the cold rain, Michigan State dominated the Michigan Wolverines 29 - 6 winning the Paul Bunyan Trophy again.  Wisconsin bests Iowa, and Minnesota grabs its seventh win of the season by whipping the Hoosier Daddys.  Porn State wins in OT against the Illini in Happy Valley. Why so much attention on the Big Ten this week? I think they are crawling out of the weak conference perception hole they have been in all season with OSU, MSU and Wisconsin all playing extremely well.
Sparty warming up. Pic courtesy of Nephew Nate.
 At the world’s largest cocktail party in Jacksonville, The Florida – Georgia Line was that neither team is as good as they have been in recent years past. Georgia proved to be just 3 points better when the final whistle blew. Auburn and Mizzou both improve to 8-1 over lesser conference opponents and Jadeveon and his pals were not clowning around in Starkville as they notched their seventh win of the Fall. In Big 12 action, the Pokes from Stillwater OK annihilated the Pirates out of Lubbock, TX  and coach GQ. Texas stays perfect in league play with a win over Chucky Cheese and the LameHawks.

 Elsewhere, Notre Dame calls on the luck of the Irish to slip past Navy in South Bend 38 - 34. San Jose State scores its fifth win of the season setting up for next Saturday night’s showdown with San Diego State. The Tailgate will be there in force. Speaking of “force”, Air Force pulls rank on Army and drops them by 2 TDs. Boise beats CSU and Derrick Carr leads Fresnope  in another win helping the Bulldogs stay undefeated.

Beiber Award
– This week the prestigious award is bestowed upon the now former head coach at Florida Atlantic University, Carl Pellini.  You see Carl was witnessed sparking up a blunt, drinking  hootch and playing in the South Florida snow all at one soiree. His response of  “I showed poor judgment” just didn’t cut it for me. Could you see Nick Saban, Urban Meyer, Coach Pete, Bob Stoops or any other exemplary college coach “showing such poor judgment”?  Okay, maybe Lane Kiffin but then again he is no longer a coach, is he? The good news for Carl is that he will soon have company from another family member in the ranks of the unemployed. They can burn all the fatties they want and no one will care. 
Carl and Bo Pellini sparking up a big Bob Marley fattie. Cannonball

R Lee Ermey  Rant
– One handed catches – Okay, everyone loves to see a spectacular grab when it is a last resort to pulling the ball in. However, ever since ESPN started really emphasizing and glorifying one handed grabs this year, the poser nation has come out in full force. I can’t tell you how many highlight reels I see each week with players grabbing the ball out of the air in spectacular fashion with one paw.  These kids seem more interested in looking spectacular than they are in just catching the ball with proper fundamentals. This can be a dangerous copycat habit as I witnessed last night during the Miami  - FSU game. Miami was driving in the second half with a chance of cutting into the lead. Miami QB Stephen Morris drops back and tosses a beautiful ball to his receiver who decided he wanted to be on ESPN top plays of the week.  So the moron reaches out with one mitt and looks foolish as the ball fell harmlessly to the ground.  Had he simply extended both hands and pulled the ball in, we might have a more interesting contest. God gave you two hands, use them.
Use both hands!
This week – with two of the top games of the season being played Thursday night in Waco and Palo Alto, the Tailgate has instead chosen to turn up in Lafayette, LA for the Ragin Cajun versus Troy game. The Tailgate returns to the west coast for the Saturday night matchup in San Jose against San Diego State.

Happy Tailgating!